WTH? There Are SNAKES In The TREES!

Alternate Post Titles:

Never Stepping Outside Again
Are You Freaking Kidding Me?
This Was Not Disclosed at Closing
OH NO! OH NO! OH NO!

You may recall I was understandably shaken by my first snake encounter at our new home. Bull snakes are stealthy little ninjas of doom! But that was nothing.

You don't even see what I'm talking about yet, do you? Well, watch out because that's how they get you. Not every branch of that center tree is a branch.

What the hell, nature? What. The. Hell.

What I want to know is, why didn't the photographer set this tree on fire?

You thought you were going to enjoy a relaxing day at the Paa-ko Ridge golf course, soaking up the sunshine and breathing in the fresh mountain air, but little did you consider each breath could be your last. These, my friend, are snakes called Red Racers. After learning they reside in my new neighborhood, I did some Googling.

What do you get when you search "red racer snake"?

*Warning - not for the squeamish*

(So, I really shouldn't have watched it.)

THERE ARE SNAKES LIVING IN THE TREES, PEOPLE! Aggressive ones. I could be meandering through our backyard, minding my own business, and BAM - a gang of Red Racer snakes eats my face off. I think I'm going to be sick.

Our entire 13 acre property is trees, trees, and more trees. Just as the snakes planned all along.

But there was still some hope for our new home and my face. The photo above of the Red Racers was taken at the golf course. I'm not going to live anywhere near the golf course! It's the grass and the water and the endless supply of unsuspecting victims that appeals to the Red Racers, right? Crisis averted.

A new issue of our friendly neighborhood newsletter recently arrived, featuring this little gem:

Do you see them, straight ahead? I'm never going to spot them until it's too late.

This photo was taken steps away from my neighbor's patio, close enough the snakes could slingshot themselves right into the house, fangs wide and red eyes gleaming.

New house rule: Never open any doors or windows at any time, for any reason. If you need me, I'll be in the corner, rocking back and forth.

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